James says this blog should be called ConsumerMachineAway because none of the posts are about LA. Appropriately, these next two posts are from my Vegas adventures!
Simon, in his usual baller Simon way, scored us some free rooms at the lovely lovely Green Valley Ranch. It's in Henderson, a little ways from the strip (which we shuttled to and cabbed back from), and just fucking gorgeous! Easily the prettiest pool in Vegas.
Hotel guests are invited to The Pond (pictured top), which is an enclosed lounge/bar with a pretty pool and waterfall in the middle. Our gigantic group, ten strong, descended upon the pool and generally went crazy.
Crazy with the food, crazy with the silly beers-in-cans. Corona in cans, Newcastle in cans?!?! I guess there's a no glass policy by the pool. I spontaneously created the best cocktail ever! Diet coke with Passionfruit Malibu. Try it. If it wasn't liquid I would have shouted "NOM NOM NOM" while imbibing it.
Tinx got the lobster quesadillas, off limits to me, but gobbled up by her. My lobster allergy is an acquired one, so I definitely know what it tastes like, and I still don't understand the lobster quesadilla thing. CHEESE with lobsters? And why dress down such a decadent, expensive meat with a weirdo tortilla and TOMATOES? Strange, strange.
Well, I'll never know.
I, along with basically everyone else, got the Kobe beef sliders. We at CM know a thing or two about Kobe beef sliders, so, you know, I'm just saying.
But The Pond had a couple things going for it. (1) Crispy onion strings . (2) Patrons who are super hung over and craving greasy food. (3) Special sauce [not TyTy's]. (4) Eating decadently with half of your body in a warm, warm pool.
That's why I freaking inhaled my sliders, not even whining at the alarming coldness of the food; not even pausing when my teeth clamped down on a tiny bit of gristle. The pickle was so excellent (so very very cucmbery!). TyTy and I swam around scavenging others' plates for their pickles like Jaws, and then ate each oval slice gripped preciously in both paws.
With all the fun, I barely noticed the Eurotrash a couple beds over, wearing "USA" tiaras and the tightest, whitest, smallest Speedos ever. The boys kept saying ew ew and looking through spread fingers, but I was kind of into it cuz he was so brazen. Ballin', if you will...
at Green Valley